Back to the Future

If I had a time machine, I'd travel back ten or twelve years, find whatever ass invented the "Windows Key", and bludgeon him repeatedly until he repented. I would then let a pack of hungry wolves loose upon the first worthless shit who thought putting an "Fn" key to the right of "Control" was a really neat idea. Thanks to these twin assholes, I'm increasingly convinced that can't you buy a new laptop with a keyboard layout suitable for serious development, at any price. Tolerable laptop options for the near future appear to consist of pre-Lenovo Thinkpads.

As my contribution to a better future for us all, I present the following hard and fast rules for laptop keyboard layouts. Violation of these rules warrants electrocution.

1. The correct order of the left modifier row is Control, Windows, Alt. The Windows key is optional. No additional key  may appear between these keys, as this would disrupt the order. Rationale: Consistency with desktop keyboards.
   
2. There are to be no more than three keys present to the left of the space bar. Rationale: Ergonomics, consistency with desktop keyboards.
3. Both Alt and Control must also appear to the right of the space bar. Rationale: Ergonomics.

For extra credit, consider the following:

• The "Fn" key has no business in the lower left modifier row. This key is seldom used and does not deserve this premium real estate. For consistency with Rule #2, I'd gladly move my Fn key in exchange for a Windows key, as a dedicated WM shortcut key is a genuinely useful thing, even if Microsoft largely missed the point in their own OS.
• If Alt-F / Alt-B (or Windows-F / Windows-B if you have a Windows key) are not comfortable to press using the left pink and middle finger, you have lost.
• If you've squeezed in an extra key between Shift and Z, I will kill you in your sleep.
• While I'm on the subject, glossy screens are the worst idea since cancer.

If you disagree with any of the above, you probably don't use your modifier keys intensively enough to care so passionately, and ought to roll with the punches. Now, dear laptop designers: stop fucking up the keyboards, so I can spend my money on your product. Any product. Please?